I'm worn out...update on my dad

Didn't know which way to title this post. I'm whooped. Just got through refreshing myself on the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Don't quite know where I am in the mix...I think acceptance with a side of anger. The anger, though, is a bit suppressed...doesn't make it better but that's just how it is. My dad is sitting somewhere on the columns of denial and depression...I think more of the former actually.

Every time I go to visit him I come back absolutely drained...absolutely. And not only did I just visit today, I met with a hospice nurse to get some options for helping him plan out the last few months of his life. I had to go into the garage, close the door, and sit in a lonely chair for about 15 minutes after coming back before I could even come into the house and begin functioning as a dad/husband tonight. Truly not looking for sympathy comments...more, I'm just sharing what I'm going through.

To bring you up to date, he is back in the nursing home. I took him there yesterday after he had fallen 4 times at home, lost 5 pounds due to not eating and getting sick when he tried eating, and the general knowledge that he's unable to stay there without 24-hour care. I left him in good hands, knowing that today we'd be meeting with hospice to get some answers on the near future.

Today I sat there listening to a wonderful nurse tell me of all of the decisions "I" need to make for my dad's short future. How bizarre. In the end, I (and Vicki) both felt that hospice is the way to go and just needed to talk to him about it to make sure he agreed. Results form an MRI done Sunday came back to support that feeling. The MRI showed that: (1) he has developed tumors on both kidneys, (2) there is evidence of two minor strokes which have likely taken place in the last 2-3 weeks, and (3) amongst the other tumors there is now a bleeding tumor on the brain. There is no cure...there is nothing else that can be done.

After the meeting, we decided that dad needed to meet with the nurse to discuss his situation so he could be up to date himself. That was excruciating as she shared all of the bad, new information with him. He took it as strong as he could...stronger than most of us would be able to. And, as we expected, he agreed that hospice was the way to go. In his words, "it's just a matter of time". With that in mind, hospice is the best option.

He's incredibly weak, not getting around well, losing weight somewhat rapidly, not eating, constantly nauseous, losing his hearing, lethargic...it's bad. One nurse said that she thought it would be amazing if he made it to the first of the year.

I've expended about everything I've got left in me typing all of this. I left out that I also called his sister tonight to lay everything out for her as well. I think that's enough for tonight. I'm not updating much on this because frankly, it takes so much out of me. We're thankful that we can be here with him while he's going through...but I've got to admit that it's really taking a toll on me. Continue praying for us all...thanks for doing that.