A painful day

Heading over there, I thought I was ready. I knew that it wasn't going to be anything pleasant by any means. But I thought everything would be ok...that I was prepared. But as I walked into my dad's house, planning to begin the process of cleaning it out so that it could be rented to someone else, the magnitude of it all hit me full force.

If you have ever had to go through what we are dealing with I am so deeply sorry. This is a hurt that surely can't equal many others on earth. I walked around and found myself just taking my dad in...every knick-knack, every picture...his pocket knives. Holding one of his pocket knives, I began to feel like we were there to erase most of the signs of my dad's life. It was overwhelming to think about loading up his clothes and many of his possessions to give away. I know it will need to be done, but it is nonetheless so painful. And yes, I know that we are not truly erasing my dad's life...but that's just the way it feels.

The agony went on as we surveyed the rest of my dad's house, thinking about what we're going to have to do in coming days. There were quite literally breakdowns after breakdowns as we walked around. I think the worst was going into his garage, a place he he talked about since moving into that house. He's a true handyman, can fix anything. And his garage is a testament of that, filled with weed-wackers, lawnmowers, tools of every type imaginable, and countless odds and ends. He loved being in that garage, working the hours away on other peoples' "stuff". He took pride in it. And I was proud of him for it.

We decided that we needed to put all of that off for another day. As it turns out, I wasn't ready. It was utterly too much. And instead of preparing for his death, we decided to go be with him while we could still celebrate his life.

We had a fairly good visit at the nursing home. Dad, however, has become quite incoherent. It's amazing what each week brings. Today he was hallucinating so badly, talking about ducks, dogs, and old men being in the room with him. You pretty much have two choices in times like that: laugh with him or cry. We chose the former and just tried to enjoy the duck hunt in the middle of room 101 at the Pillars of North County.

While his speech is generally understandable you can tell that he doesn't know much of what's going on. More pain when he didn't know who I was. We knew that was coming, but you can't prepare for things like that. He's also extremely irritable and has begun trying to get out of his bed...something that has led to two falls and the decision to up the dosage on his sedatives.

You can be praying for my family in coming days/weeks. I was told again today that it will be very unlikely that dad will be around at Christmas. Again, I feel like I'm prepared...but deep down I know I'm not. There's so much that has to be done. Pray for our strength. Pray that God is merciful to my dad and that he will not suffer much longer.

Thanks for continuing through this with us.