Dad's back in the hospital

This is going to be a very bumpy ride. And this is just one of the many up-can-coming bumps. I talked to him yesterday morning and he was complaining of a lot of chest pain and that he'd been extremely nauseated since the night before. After speaking a bit with his doctor, we decided he needed to get in to the ER asap. So, he gave 911 a call and was taken in.

He actually stayed in the ER (in one of their beds) for about half the day and was finally admitted late in the afternoon. They have been able to give him meds to control the nausea, but they are still unsure what is going on in his chest. The problem is that most of the pain is coming from the right side, while the tumor they're aware of is on the left.

We're going over there today to see him and find out if there has been any news. After just those few days at home, when he sounded so upbeat, he's back to sounding terrible, being very weak, and again having to figure out where he goes from here.

Thank you for your prayers.

Matthew "Hook"

Matthew "Hook", originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

I took this shot yesterday using some new techniques I've been wanting to try out. In short, it uses two two-bulb fluorescent light fixtures placed on both left and right of Mattie, along with a SB-600 camera flash (with a filter added to it in order to match the light color of the FL bulbs) shot through a white photographic umbrella in front.

I love the face! I was telling him to look like a pirate. I guess some pirates were whiny babies from time to time! Haha!! I'd have given you a full portrait but my backdrop, our velvety throw blanket, wasn't long enough when I hung it above our front door.

Our little citizens

I'm sure you all will be glad to hear that we finally received the kids' certificates of citizenship! The day they arrived, Matthew called his mimi and stated very confidently, "I am a citizen!" After that he walked around telling us, "I'm Matthew citizen." It was really exciting for the kids to see those certificates, as well as the form letter that accompanied them from George W. Bush. They really liked that part.

We didn't waste any time in getting their passport applications, filling those out, and turning them in (with the ridiculous fees they're charging these days...man, they sock it to you!) as quickly as we could. Now, just another 6-8 weeks before they should be all squared away and ready for traveling!

It's pretty amazing to think about how far we've come and how close we are to the end of it all. The only thing left is to get their social security cards, something that isn't a problem at all. How wild to think that with the arrival of those certificates we have officially made it. No more challenges concerning the adoption or naturalization! Wow!

Since you all have been a part of this process, through your constant prayers and support for all of us, I just wanted to share this great news with you so we can all shout out a triumphant praise to our Father and breathe a sigh of relief that we have finally made it!

God's work in a 5-year old

Eating lunch yesterday, Vicki, Mattie, and me (or is it "I"?) were talking about all of the backyard action we were witnessing. Leaves falling...squirrels going crazy chasing each other...robins seemingly having a town hall meeting with the entire flock in attendance...it was pretty fun. Vicki remembered something that happened last week while we were in Richmond and after hearing it, I thought it would be fun to share.

Evidently, one morning Vicki was walking Matthew to class. He was looking around, as usual, taking in all of the sites of the lake, playground, activity of all of the other missionary families around, and whatever else his little 5-year old mind grabbed on to. He stopped and looked up at his mom and says, "I think we should stop and thank God for this beautiful day He gave us."

Immediately upon hearing this, I went back to so many afternoons of picking the little guy up at preschool in Poznan. We would walk home through the playground and down a few streets to our house, oftentimes talking about all of the things that we have around us, all for which we can thank God...trees, grass, clouds, flowers, playgrounds, trams, etc. We did this with him, wanting to foster a true sense of thankfulness to God for the blessings we have from Him. Further, to see all of those normal things as blessings.

Trust me, this isn't one of those "check out my parenting skillz" entries...makes me laugh just thinking that someone might think that. Instead, I'm just incredibly thankful to God myself for what He's already doing in Mattie's life (not even mentioning the spiritual development of the other two kiddos). And to be a part of that is awesome. It's so fulfilling and at the same time challenging, knowing how crucial it is to do everything we can to lead our kids toward Christ.

Dad's home from the hospital

Well, we took my dad home from the hospital today. I can't believe he's there now. He is having problems walking...very weak from both the cancer and everything he's been through. But he's determined to give it a shot, preferring to have to work harder for himself rather than endure the things that aggravate him at the skilled care facility where he was staying. We just hope that he doesn't fall, blackout, have a seizure or a stroke, or whatever else could happen to him while there isn't someone there with him 24/7. He does have in-home nursing stopping by once a day to check on him and of course he will have family/friends around semi-often.

We've been asked how our family is dealing with all of this. I actually just explained it all to Rachel for the first time yesterday. I decided that I didn't want to surprise her with the news that her grandpa had died without ever letting her know how bad off he was. It was a tough conversation, extremely emotional. We don't plan on sharing all of the details with the boys...we don't think even Ben is ready for that. But we'll play it by ear as things develop. We're not sugar-coating anything, just saying that he's not doing well at all.

We're all just taking everything day by day. We can't really do more than that. We did speak with dad again today about his walk with Christ and he once again answered that everything between he and God was "as good as it can be". We have to take him at his word and just continue to pray that it's real.

Thought you'd want to know how things are going. I'll give some more updates as things progress, change, etc. Thanks for praying for us as we journey through this latest saga.

Morning reflections

I'm going to spend some time with my dad this morning. So, obviously I've been thinking about him and this entire situation. It's very surreal to me. I was having a conversation with my mom yesterday about what will have to be done "afterward" and it occurred to me how I was handling it all so calmly, basically without emotion. I guess that's one of those defense mechanisms kicking in, helping me cope with the reality of the situation while maintaining my ability to deal with issues that need to be handled. So strange to me.

Through all of this, I sort of find myself in a daze...as if scratching my head trying to make sense out of it all. Someone this past week told me that this is one step in the entire cycle of life. So true. Yet when we get to this point...at least now that I'm here, it's still as if I never expected it. You know? Don't know if that makes sense. But it's about as good as I can describe it. It hurts.

Interwoven amidst all of these thoughts are thoughts of life, in general. Thoughts of the meaning of it all...our role in this amazing global drama that we are seeing unfold before our very eyes. Thoughts of Christ.

I wonder how much I've missed the mark in my short life. I wonder if there are some basics that have slipped by, unnoticed due to life's busy pace.

Reading in the Paul's GEPCo letters this morning I felt re-oriented to God's purpose for my life. With verses like Galatians 6:15 - "What counts is whether we really have been changed into new and different people" - much of the junk that modern-day Christianity has put on the shoulders of believers fades away. What's left is the notion of transformation...change...true discipleship. Are we different? Am I different? Simply, do I resemble Christ?

So much changes when you just focus on that one thought. My priorities shift. My perspective on so many matters change. My goals, purpose, mission...they're all affected. Sometimes it's so easy to live life in such a way that we're dragging God along with us (or so we act) instead of us following Him. I do it...we do it...many churches do it. And we end up missing Him...we end up walking away from the very Person we're supposed to be following.

Where am I going with all of this? I'm not altogether sure. There are some change that need to occur in my life...some things that are already changing. And I've realized that it's not too late for me. I sometimes have thought that there are some things I can't really change because people already know me like this...if I acted differently then they'd think I was just faking it or whatever. But the truth is that their thoughts don't matter. What matters is whether or not I've been transformed. And if I'm not relinquishing control over to God then how can I say anything to another brother or sister in Christ about his or her life??

Well, I better stop here. I need to get ready and head out. Even thought I began talking about my dad and ended talking about my own spiritual journey, those things are related. I continue to ask for your prayers concerning his journey with Christ. Praying and thinking about those things myself has brought some things to my attention about my own life...just another way God works in situation like this.

Given the heaviness of my heart right now, I think it's appropriate to close with this verse from 1 Peter: "There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for awhile." Thank you, Lord, for that promise.

We're back

Well, after a few weeks of being on the road we're home again...albeit our temporary home. These past couple of weeks have been almost a blur as we've been to a missions conference in Temple, TX, came back and spent the night here, then woke up the next morning and packed our family into a taxi headed for the airport and a flight to Richmond, VA for an IMB conference. Wow!

Things here are pretty good. Since we've been gone the weather has changed. It's definitely fall now. But that's a welcome relief for me. I love the cold, crisp air. As I walk outside and the cold hits my face I always think about Chicago. I remember back to so many freezing mornings when I'd be walking to class. Ok, they weren't just mornings...that was all day in the winter. I loved the crispness...the bite in the air. Sounds strange, huh? Moving to Poland, I was reacquainted with the cold after a brief hiatus in Texas. So, I've been waiting for the cool weather to move in here in the states...feels like home (good song by the way - by Chantal something or another).

Mission Conference - Immanuel Baptist Church in Temple, TX
We had an awesome time in Temple, TX. The couple we stayed with was great and extremely hospitable to us. It was a neat experience to be able to talk to so many folks about what God did and has been doing in our lives in Poland, as well as in ministry there. This was their first missions conference...something they're now planning on doing each year. What's fantastic is that so often Southern Baptists just give their tithe. They know that a portion goes to support our missions organizations....but often they don't have faces to go with their financial sacrifices. Without that personal contact with the missionaries they are supporting, it has to be difficult to continuing giving "sacrificially". But through these conferences, Southern Baptists can meet a lot of missionaries...get a great feel for what God is doing through our denomination's work...and hopefully get excited about getting further, involved deeper in what we're doing.

IMB conference - Richmond, VA
Fast forward to our IMB conference. That's just one of those things you can't really explain...you have to experience. Yeah, the IMB isn't perfect...there are shortcomings just like with any organization. But to get together with other missionaries is something we always look forward to. We just get each other. You know? We've been through so many of the same situations...lived cross-culturally for long periods of time...adopted children (so many adopted children of IMB missionaries)...longed for time with family and friends in the states when they needed us but we couldn't come...suffered through culture shock...experienced triumphs in relationships that seemed doomed from the outset..."plowed concrete"...enjoyed friendships with nationals while always feeling like something was just missing from those relationships...felt alienated and isolated at times on the field...experienced reverse culture shock when coming back to the states...felt like we're strange creatures -- not completely American anymore and not Polish, Czech, or whatever...felt loss of friendships as we've said so many goodbyes, both in the US and abroad...felt the blessing of being called "friend" not just "missionary" by the people we serve...plead for just one soul to come to Christ when no one is seeming to be moved...rejoiced when that one, and more, give themselves to Him.......and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

These are tough conferences. Tough because we are all able to just jump into our friendships with other missionaries because of our similarities, all the while knowing that in just a few days we'll say goodbye and not be together again for many months or years. But of course we wouldn't trade the experience.

We feel very encouraged and "ready" for action at this point. Kind of sounds funny. I guess that's that elusive feeling of being recharged and refreshed. And we need it. Our plates are pretty full these coming months. Lots of speaking engagements around here over the next several weeks. I'm looking forward to them.

Update on my dad
I did want to wrap things up here by updating you on my dad. He's back in the hospital and it appears that the cancer has progressed. This past week they did another scan (don't know what kind) and found that there are "numerous" tumors on the brain as well as finding that it has moved to his spine. Pray for us. Pray for my dad, Tom, that he would absolutely be resolved in his faith in the Lord Jesus. Pray that I, and others in his family, would have strength to go alongside him in this. As tough as it is to write it, pray that he will finish well.

That's My King

Have you seen this video?

This Tuesday morning

Today will be my last post for awhile. We'll be leaving town tomorrow morning, heading to Temple, TX for a missions conference. Though we get back Sunday evening, we head out again the very next morning for a stateside assignment conference in Richmond, VA (with the IMB). One on hand we're looking forward to "getting out" a bit and spending some time sharing about ministry and life in Poland and later being with some of our colleagues. But on the other hand it's going to be a long few weeks away from home.

Doing my usual morning rounds on the web, I found my newest favorite portrait photographer. That position was open...I've already got a favorite B&W and wedding photogs, so I needed a portrait photog to aspire to. Jill Greenberg has some seriously amazing lighting that makes her portraits...well, amazing! Take some time to look through her online portfolio.

What would it be like to open the Baltic Field website and see the missionary photos looking like Jill's shots? What would you think? I wonder who we would appeal to...who we would turn away. I, personally, think it would be incredible...very cutting edge. I think it would send the message, "we're progressive and embracing the future" instead of "we're the same as everyone else and moving ahead just like always."

It's fun to think about that kind of thing as I consider the path I'll take in media for the Baltic. The challenge often is $$$. For example, Jill Greenberg's shots use around seven light sources for those killer portraits (three front, one top, two on-subject from the back, and one on the background). That absolutely does not mean that quality cannot be achieved on a budget...but it just poses a challenge. And I love challenges! But if you are interested in funding my lighting obsession for the good of the Baltic Field, you know where to find me. (How's that for subtle!)

Well, we have a lot to do this morning before I go see my dad and then get back to prepare for our trip. If I find an internet connection somewhere, I'll post something and let y'all know how things are going. I'm trying to keep the idea of yesterday's post in mind today and would encourage you to do the same...specifically the part at the end (Kyle's message about really living).

Talk to you soon!

Thoughts this morning

Don't really know where to begin this morning. There are so many thoughts buzzing around in my head.

Quiet morning here since Vicki's still out of town (she had a speaking engagement in Independence, MO). I got up this morning a little after 5am and read awhile in 1 Samuel, wanting to dig a little deeper into one of the points from yesterday morning's sermon here at 1st Baptist Ellisville. The pastor is starting a series about our SHAPE (Spiritual gifts - Heart - Abilities - Personality - Experiences) and spoke a bit about how God sees us. One of the verses he used was from 1 Samuel 16.

Wouldn't that have been an interesting thing to see when Samuel annointed David? I wonder if he felt some serious pressure on him. He, in fact, didn't choose correctly the first time. And that's where the verse from yesterday comes in, about how God doesn't judge us like others do. He looks at the inside...at our hearts. I'm thankful for that.

We really do spend a ton of time comparing ourselves to others. We want to be successful like that guy. We want to have money like "him". We want to have the beauty of so-and-so. The care...the house...the clothes...the strategy...the celebrity...the renown. I guess there are times that we desire the heart of another. But I don't think that happens nearly as often as our desire for the other things...those outward things. And that's the crux of the series that Charles is preaching. I wish I could be there for all of them but we'll be out of town a lot in the next few weeks.

I also got to visit my dad this weekend. They've moved him into a skilled care facility on the other side of St. Louis (much to my chagrin). He looked awful, which is to be expected. But still it's a terrible feeling to see him looking so frail and weak. He continues with the radiation today at 1pm. We'll go visit him tomorrow and then leave town for a couple of weeks. It seems that it's working out such that they'll be doing his scans to check for growth (or shrinkage) the day or so after we get back in town on the 23rd of this month. As always, thank you for continuing to pray for him.

Thinking about closing up here this morning, I'm reminded of the words from Kyle Lake's last sermon. If you don't recall, he didn't get to preach this sermon. He died during a baptism that went horribly wrong. But the heart of his message did go out, even more powerfully than if he'd preached it himself.

"Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.

If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.

If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.

Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.

If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift."

More on my dad

Life is really messy, isn't it? The curtain closes on one drama, you take a few days off, and the next "production" begins.

My dad has three tumors in his brain that have been causing all of the symptoms he's been experiencing for the past few weeks. They determined that he needed to start radiation therapy immediately as without it he would only have 5 months to a year left. Stark reality of this ugly disease.

So, today he began his treatment. He will receive the radiation on his brain 5 times a week for 3 weeks. After this, the doctors will re-evaluate his condition (specifically the size of the tumors) and go from there.

There are no certainties, as we have had to learn recently. He could respond well to the treatment. He could respond poorly. Nothing is clear at this point except that without the radiation it's game over.

This is all difficult for all of us although everyone is doing relatively alright. His spirits are somewhat high. He is optimistic thinking about the future. And we are all just waiting to see what happens next.

That's where we're at for the moment. Remember the days of checking the blog to find out what each day brought with our last dramatic production? Well, we're there again...waiting to see what news tomorrow brings.

[Queue the curtain]

Update on my dad

Heard today that they have found multiple tumors on his brain. I'm not sure exactly how many, what they're planning on doing, etc. I just wanted to put this here as I know many of you are already lifting us up with all of this.

Please pray for my dad, Tom, as more of this unfolds. We're going to be with him right now and waiting to hear more directly from the doctor.

Thanks for continuing in prayer with us.

Two things

First and most importantly, wanted to let you know that we haven't heard any news from my dad. He went for a MRI today and evidently the docs haven't reported anything back. He did say that if the scans do not show anything new, the docs will likely be doing a spinal tap. It turns out that his symptoms could be caused by an infection in his spinal column somehow. I will let you know.

On another far less serious note, I want to share an in-process graphic with you. I've had the idea for awhile of making myself a t-shirt that says "I [heart] light". I do [heart] light you know. I've blogged about it extensively before. I find myself constantly evaluating the way light hits things...on the people and things around me, on TV, on other peoples' photos. It's soothing to me. My aunt watches birds. I watch light. :-)

What do you think of my graphic?

Stress

Stress, originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

This about summed it up yesterday. I actually took it yesterday morning after reading about a simulated ringflash technique on one of my favorite photog websites (strobist.com). After doing some editing work on this image it was still on my computer screen last night after we returned from the hospital. I looked over at it from the kitchen and said the same thing to Vicki, "yeah...that pretty much sums it up."

My dad is back in the hospital. The real stress is that they aren't quite sure what is going on. Last week (Tuesday maybe) he called and said he needed me to take him to the ER, that he was dizzy and had double-vision. We took him in and the docs just said that it had something to do with his surgery since they operated on his cerebellum.

The double-vision and subsequent dizziness worsened throughout the week and we got another call Friday night (from his girlfriend) saying he was being admitted...that he had pretty severe vertigo. But again, they just aren't sure "why" it has gotten worse.

We went to see him yesterday and he's doing terrible. He looks and sounds awful. He's been vomiting and has even had nose bleeds (sorry for the graphic imagery). They've done several tests, including x-rays and a planned MRI for today) and aren't sure if these are indeed issues stemming from the operation or something new, exciting, and different.

Pretty tough stuff. I feel bad that I'm experiencing stress when it's my dad laying in the hospital bed. But I know that these kinds of things certainly impact family as well. I'm just so tired from it all. I laugh sometimes about how we kept thinking that as soon as we got back to the states we'd have time to recoup. Ha!!

Thanks for listening cyberworld. I feel better already.