A painful day

Heading over there, I thought I was ready. I knew that it wasn't going to be anything pleasant by any means. But I thought everything would be ok...that I was prepared. But as I walked into my dad's house, planning to begin the process of cleaning it out so that it could be rented to someone else, the magnitude of it all hit me full force.

If you have ever had to go through what we are dealing with I am so deeply sorry. This is a hurt that surely can't equal many others on earth. I walked around and found myself just taking my dad in...every knick-knack, every picture...his pocket knives. Holding one of his pocket knives, I began to feel like we were there to erase most of the signs of my dad's life. It was overwhelming to think about loading up his clothes and many of his possessions to give away. I know it will need to be done, but it is nonetheless so painful. And yes, I know that we are not truly erasing my dad's life...but that's just the way it feels.

The agony went on as we surveyed the rest of my dad's house, thinking about what we're going to have to do in coming days. There were quite literally breakdowns after breakdowns as we walked around. I think the worst was going into his garage, a place he he talked about since moving into that house. He's a true handyman, can fix anything. And his garage is a testament of that, filled with weed-wackers, lawnmowers, tools of every type imaginable, and countless odds and ends. He loved being in that garage, working the hours away on other peoples' "stuff". He took pride in it. And I was proud of him for it.

We decided that we needed to put all of that off for another day. As it turns out, I wasn't ready. It was utterly too much. And instead of preparing for his death, we decided to go be with him while we could still celebrate his life.

We had a fairly good visit at the nursing home. Dad, however, has become quite incoherent. It's amazing what each week brings. Today he was hallucinating so badly, talking about ducks, dogs, and old men being in the room with him. You pretty much have two choices in times like that: laugh with him or cry. We chose the former and just tried to enjoy the duck hunt in the middle of room 101 at the Pillars of North County.

While his speech is generally understandable you can tell that he doesn't know much of what's going on. More pain when he didn't know who I was. We knew that was coming, but you can't prepare for things like that. He's also extremely irritable and has begun trying to get out of his bed...something that has led to two falls and the decision to up the dosage on his sedatives.

You can be praying for my family in coming days/weeks. I was told again today that it will be very unlikely that dad will be around at Christmas. Again, I feel like I'm prepared...but deep down I know I'm not. There's so much that has to be done. Pray for our strength. Pray that God is merciful to my dad and that he will not suffer much longer.

Thanks for continuing through this with us.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving!!

Much love from all of us,
The Shattuck

Things

First off...on a more positive note, I uploaded a few new pictures to my Flickr feed this afternoon. There are a couple of neat shots from our day at the arch (last weekend)...maybe a couple perspectives of the arch you haven't seen before. Check them out when you have the time.

On a not so positive note, I wanted to bring you all up to speed on my dad's condition. If you're just jumping in, he was diagnosed the week before Labor Day with extensive small cell lung cancer. In that short amount of time, it has spread to his brain and kidneys and there is nothing the doctor's can do at this point.

We decided that we wanted to take the kids out to the nursing home to see him. So, we headed out there last night. On the way, I took some time to speak openly with them to help them understand more of what's going on with their grandpa. It was difficult for all of us. But we feel like we want them to know the truth as to not experience any sudden shocks when he passes away. And knowing how quickly his disease is advancing, that time is drawing ever closer.

He was in a fairly positive spirit last night. It was obvious that he was excited to see the kids, although that was probably only perceptible to me (maybe Vicki) since he's so tired and worn out from the cancer and medications he's taking. We spent a little over an hour with him, talking and sharing different stories about what's been going on lately, especially with the kids. I could tell that he was really struggling to hear us, as well as having a hard time communicating back to us. Of course that was difficult to see.

The other thing that's going on is he's becoming increasingly confused. [How hard to write these things.] He was "with us" for the most part but there were obvious breaks when his mind just couldn't stay focused. The cancer is ravenous...stealing his personality before taking his life. I'm so sorry for any of you who have experienced this before.

They seem to be doing a good job at managing dad's pain. I haven't heard him complain of it lately which is a good sign. He continues to be nauseous and thus doesn't want to eat much. Again, it's hard to watch happen.

Of course the kids can't see all of these things...which is a good thing. They just see their grandpa who they haven't had a good chance to get to know, lying in a bed very sick. They did really well...they laughed with him, smiled a ton, and gave him hugs. It was so sweet when we walked in. Rachel was so afraid that she wasn't going to be able to keep herself together. She stood by me while everyone else said hello and told me that she just wanted to hug him so tight. Of course I just told her to go for it! And she did.

I'm not telling you these things to make you cry or anything. I guess I just need to get them off my chest. It's such deep stress going through this and I so often feel such a deep wound from it all. But our God is faithful and He is here with us all being the strength that we can't possess right now. I'm so thankful for that.

Continue to pray for us all. Thank you for the words of encouragement you have sent me/us. They mean a lot.

St. Louis Gateway Arch

St. Louis Arch, originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

This weekend has been pretty exciting. Last night we got to spend some time with some friends of ours who are also missionaries in Poznan as well as with our friends, the Whites. They're the folks that adopted two kiddos and went through everything at the end alongside us. It's been great catching up and just hanging out a bit...great both for us and for the kids.

We decided to take advantage of the great weather today and head down to St. Louis' famed Gateway Arch. November 17 and the weather was UN-BE-LIEVABLE! Seriously gorgeous. We were all excited to take the kids up to the top for the first time. Got there and no dice...the elevators were out. Walk up? No thanks.

Instead of going in to the westward expansion museum with everyone, I decided to stay "topside" and wander around taking pics. This is one of them. Beautiful wasn't it? It was nice having that bit of time by myself, focusing only on taking pictures. Nothing more. No other thoughts. And the others had a good time checking everything the museum had to offer.

I'm going to close here. I'll add some stuff about my dad soon. Just want to leave it with this for today. I'm busy tomorrow, driving to Benton, MO to speak in the morning and then speaking here in Ellisville in the evening. I'm looking forward to it but I know I'll be beat down this time tomorrow night.

Have a great rest of the weekend!

I'm worn out...update on my dad

Didn't know which way to title this post. I'm whooped. Just got through refreshing myself on the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Don't quite know where I am in the mix...I think acceptance with a side of anger. The anger, though, is a bit suppressed...doesn't make it better but that's just how it is. My dad is sitting somewhere on the columns of denial and depression...I think more of the former actually.

Every time I go to visit him I come back absolutely drained...absolutely. And not only did I just visit today, I met with a hospice nurse to get some options for helping him plan out the last few months of his life. I had to go into the garage, close the door, and sit in a lonely chair for about 15 minutes after coming back before I could even come into the house and begin functioning as a dad/husband tonight. Truly not looking for sympathy comments...more, I'm just sharing what I'm going through.

To bring you up to date, he is back in the nursing home. I took him there yesterday after he had fallen 4 times at home, lost 5 pounds due to not eating and getting sick when he tried eating, and the general knowledge that he's unable to stay there without 24-hour care. I left him in good hands, knowing that today we'd be meeting with hospice to get some answers on the near future.

Today I sat there listening to a wonderful nurse tell me of all of the decisions "I" need to make for my dad's short future. How bizarre. In the end, I (and Vicki) both felt that hospice is the way to go and just needed to talk to him about it to make sure he agreed. Results form an MRI done Sunday came back to support that feeling. The MRI showed that: (1) he has developed tumors on both kidneys, (2) there is evidence of two minor strokes which have likely taken place in the last 2-3 weeks, and (3) amongst the other tumors there is now a bleeding tumor on the brain. There is no cure...there is nothing else that can be done.

After the meeting, we decided that dad needed to meet with the nurse to discuss his situation so he could be up to date himself. That was excruciating as she shared all of the bad, new information with him. He took it as strong as he could...stronger than most of us would be able to. And, as we expected, he agreed that hospice was the way to go. In his words, "it's just a matter of time". With that in mind, hospice is the best option.

He's incredibly weak, not getting around well, losing weight somewhat rapidly, not eating, constantly nauseous, losing his hearing, lethargic...it's bad. One nurse said that she thought it would be amazing if he made it to the first of the year.

I've expended about everything I've got left in me typing all of this. I left out that I also called his sister tonight to lay everything out for her as well. I think that's enough for tonight. I'm not updating much on this because frankly, it takes so much out of me. We're thankful that we can be here with him while he's going through...but I've got to admit that it's really taking a toll on me. Continue praying for us all...thanks for doing that.

Wrapping up the weekend

Crazy family, originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

We're wrapping our weekend at our wonderfully gracious friends' lake house. Before we hit the road we wanted to take a picture to commemorate our time together. Honestly, this shot couldn't sum it all up more!! I love it!!

It's been a great time. I can't tell you how relaxing it is to drink a cup of hot coffee out on the patio, overlooking such a serene view, listening to the birds sing. It's wonderful.

The wonder turned to adventure last night. As I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep there came a knock on the door. My sister and daughter enter the room and anxiously tell us how there is a BAT flying around in the house!!

Have you ever seen The Great Outdoors with John Candy and Dan Akroid (don't know how to spell those names for sure...and not looking it up)? There's a scene where those guys are "working together" to get a bat out of the cabin they're all staying in. Well, that was pretty much the scene here last night. I've never seen such precision flying! The thing went swooping through the house, performing countless fly-bys what seemed to be inches from our faces. I guess his sonar had recently been fine tuned!

The excitement ended as the bat flew into a utility room upstairs. We have no idea how it got in...but it seems that it found a way out in that room. I scoured it with a butterfly net in hand, hoping to find it and set it free. But no dice...the bat left the building. I even went back in again this morning looking for our little flying friend and came up short.

Oh, the excitement...the adventure of it all. What a weekend! If you're reading friends, thank you so much for letting us be here this weekend. You are dear people to minister to us that way!!

Freaky picture to share

Freaky, originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

Still at work here in the garage studio (I sound like one of those guys going through mid-life crisis who starts a garage band) and really like this shot. Don't think I'm self-centered with the several self-portraits...just a shortage of folks around here that want to have their picture taken.

Also wanted to let you know that my dad is home again. He is doing "alright"...all the time telling everyone how great he is feeling. I really want to believe him. I want him to be feeling that good. But you see a somewhat different story in his eyes. We say so much through our eyes.

Winter has come to St. Louis. The high today was in the mid-40s with lows in the 20s. I actually love it...I've been waiting for winter. I love the crisp air smacking you in the face when you go outside. I took the dogs out last night and kept my shoes off just so I could really feel the cold (thankfully I didn't "get" a cold at the same time!). It's nice.

We're heading out of town this weekend for a few days at our friends' lake house...the same one we were at back during Labor Day weekend. This time, though, it will just be with our "immediate" family (us, my mom, and my sister and her family). We thought it would be nice to spend some time together. I'm looking forward to cold mornings on the patio with a hot cup of coffee...beautiful views through my camera's viewfinder...and a nice time with everyone.

Things have been slow here lately thus not many updates. I put my application in today to become a substitute teacher in our kids' district so that "slowness" thing could change here shortly. We thought it would be nice to have a little financial breathing room...so hopefully I'll be approved and can get started 2-3 days a week. You might pray with me on that...that I would be wise with my time...that I would be sensitive to God's direction in this...and that if I do go ahead with this, that I will be able to juggle everything well.

Less than two weeks!

They said 6-8 weeks. And what should arrive today, less than two weeks after the applications were submitted? The kids passports!!

Matthew brought the mail in today (he's our family mailman, you know) and I saw that government return address. I immediately realized that our wait was over and that we are one step closer to the total completion of the adoption. The only thing left is to get the kids' social security numbers.

Just wanted to share the news.

Garage studios and crying babies

Fake Tears (Read the Desc.), originally uploaded by Michael Shattuck.

If you're wondering why I have a picture of my little guy crying you'll have to click on it the photo and go read the description. I'll give you a hint...we can already smell the Oscar!

I've recently had some time and a bit of money to put together a small, very low-budget studio in the garage connected to our house here. It's been a lot of fun looking for cheap solutions...large sheets at places like Goodwill to use as backgrounds (like the one with Mattie), lighting elements from home depot, etc. It's amazing what you can put together for a minimal amount of money. If I were to do the same thing with pro equipment we're talking 10s of thousands of dollars. Of course I'm not producing all-pro materials...but I'm happy with it!

Take a look around after you click on Mattie's picture here. There are a few faces on the flickr feed that I'm sure you'll recognize.